About Me | Adoption | The third visit to Saigon in the adoption process

The third visit to Saigon

February 2006

The lunar New Year is almost over and slowly shops are opening again and life is flowing back in the streets of Saigon. I have been here now for 10 days and I leave again for Hanoi tonight then off to Ba Thuoc to start work again on Monday. It has been a memorable trip and a stepping stone in this adoption process. Now more then ever, I can understand the demands of being a father and my resolve was tested.

I arrived at Saigon airport at midnight on January 23 and then took a moto-taxi to the hotel. I couldn’t wait to see Rémi again and spend time to get to know him to build our father-son relationship. Only a few hours of sleep and already I was washing up and then leaving to go to the orphanage to visit him. As before, I arrive in the morning at around 10 am, stay over lunch and leave at around 3 pm. I take him from his dormitory where there are no toys to the parent-children room where we play. We also often go for walks outside around the compound, holding hands and looking at the fishes in the pond. He still does not allow me to feed him so the caretaker from his dormitory has to come in to do it. Then I usually try to put him down for a nap a small baby blanket that I bring every day. I have started to speak to him in French and he seems to understand a bit, like when I ask him to give me a red or blue cube as well as yes or no (in French). Today when I changed his diaper and found a smelly poo-poo and made a funny face, he laughed for the first time. He is slowly opening up!

On Tuesday I asked the orphanage if I could take Rémi with me to the hotel for 5 days so that we can slowly get used to each other (and me to being a dad) since they will be closed for over a week during the Lunar New Year. Much to my surprise, they said yes without a question. And also, the orphanage completed the adoption paperwork on that day and the not-so-smiley Mrs.Yen asked me to hand-deliver it to the Justice Department. All seemed to be going well. I was happy that the adoption process seemed to be going along well. On the way back at the hotel, I went frantic stopping at various shops to get read to have Rémi stay with me, buying clothes, pyjama, toys, towels, diapers, shoes and baby food.

Thursday January 26, I changed guest house in the morning so that I could get a bigger room with a double and a single bed. I also had to provide my contact number to the orphanage so I took these with me and headed for Tam Binh. I spent one hour with him at the orphanage and then we left together. We got on a bus and much to my surprise he sat quietly next to me for 30 minutes and we got off in front of the Saigon Zoo entrance. As we looked at the animals, he managed to walk a bit but I also had to take him in my arms at times. We saw many animals including giraffes, elephants, birds and reptiles and he seemed to enjoy it. It was really hot so just before noon, we left and took a taxi back to the hotel. The woman running the place was rude when she saw Rémi even tho I had warned her that I would come with a 2 year old child. She was already complaining that he would cry and cause trouble for the other guests and finally I was so upset that I had to ask her to leave our room…

I went out with Rémi to buy a Vietnamese lunch with rice, meet and veggies, unsure if he would eat or not. I took the food back to our room and cut everything in small pieces for him in a plate but he would not eat. So I started to eat on my own but after 20 minutes, he slowly came over and wanted to eat. He let me feed him and this was such a huge relief for me. After eating, I pulled out the Mega Bloks that I had bought in Thanh Hoa and he was happy to play with these. In the afternoon, I closed the curtains and lied down on the bed. He did not want to take a nap and continued to play for awhile but finally, he lied down on the floor and fell asleep, tired. Again, I was relieved that things were going well.

During the evening, I put on cartoons on TV but he did not seem to be used to or have interest in it. I had also bought some of my favourite DVD for kids – Ice Age, Bambi and of course Finding Nemo but he had no interest in them. I was able to change his diaper without any problems even when he pooed. At 9 pm, I turned down the lights and lied down. Eventually, he came and lied on the small bed and slept well through the night. Another small victory! In the morning, I prepared a small breakfast with cereals, apples and bananas and he ate everything. When came time to change his clothes, he started to cry but once on, he calmed down quickly. Unfortunately, this was all that the woman downstairs needed to come knock on my door. She complained that he had cried so much (which was not true!), that the room was dirty (not true and none of her business) and that she had had many complaints about us from customers! And I was so proud of Rémi who had up to now behaved very well. I was really mad and again, I had to push her out of our room but I was overwhelmed by her reaction and felt at a loss as to what to do. But I knew that I didn’t want to battle with her every day and stay if we were not welcome. So I took Rémi with me and walked around trying to find a hotel/guest house with vacancies. But because it was the New Year holiday, everywhere I asked said that they were booked. And some, I feared, simply did not want to have kids… Welcome to the reality of fatherhood in a touristy area mostly for young singles.

Finally, I found a guest house on a quiet alley, a bit more expensive but with a small refrigerator and a bit larger. The women in charge did not speak English but at least they were kind, which counted for a lot in my book at the moment. So I moved all our things with bags and Rémi along. For that day, I had not planned any activities since I wanted to see how it would go with him. So we just walked around the neighbourhood and spent a lot of time in our room, our little safe haven, playing with Mega Bloks. The next day, I had bought a one-day tour to visit the Mekong Delta and this seemed like it would be a nice and quiet outing for us. But Rémi did not agree with this… When came time to board the minibus along with the other tourists, he started to scream so loud that we had to get off. I could not get a refund so I lost the money but what’s worse, we now had nothing to do and that worried me. So then I thought that we could go to a hotel and use a swimming pool, again, thinking that this would be a nice and relaxed thing to do. So I took my tourist guide and contacted various hotels to get info such as whether they had a kids’ area and price. The only one that did after so many calls was the Rex Hotel so we decided to head there.

I thought it would be easy to take a cyclo-taxi since it goes nice and slow so I hailed one and got on with Rémi. But as soon as we sat down, he started to scream so loud and kick me with his feet and fists. And everyone was watching as we went down the street. I reasoned that we weren’t going very far and that he would calm down but he didn’t. A policeman on the side of the street was staring at us, and to make it worse the cyclo could not find the hotel and kept going around in circles! Finally I saw the sign for Rex Hotel and got off and right then, Rémi stopped crying but I was completely overwhelmed. We walked into the hotel and got on the elevator and again, Rémi cried. When we got to the roof top and saw the pool, I realized that there was no area shallow enough for kids as they had said on the phone. So we left and headed for the Sheraton which was not too far away. It had a lovely pool area and a children section BUT, it cost 22$ for one adult, which I could not afford! So then they recommended that I go the the Metropol Hotel. I took a real taxi this time and still, Rémi started to scream and cry. He would only stop when we came to a red light. Once at the hotel, the front desk told me that the pool was not open to the public. I was exhausted and so discouraged… the day had gone all wrong and Rémi had proven to be much more difficult then I had expected. So we went back to the hotel and yet again, played with Mega Bloks all afternoon…

During the evening, he seemed calmer so we went to the nearby park where there was some singing and dancing performances for the New Year. Rémi seemed to enjoy it and I was able to sit down with him on my lap. The next day was Sunday, so by now we had a routine of having breakfast in our room, going out for a short walk, back to our room, lunch, a nap, back our for some time but the time spent in our room was driving me nuts!!! But suddenly, when we went out, he would no longer walk and would have a crying fit unless I picked him up. With people watching, this was not easy. Even in the evening when I went to get food at a restaurant, he would not let me sit or put him down. So now our only activity of going out for walks has vanished! What to do now? When in our room, he did watch a bit of TV, but only the very annoying traditional colourful music shows of New Year. He would not watch any of the cartoons DVD which I had bought! I even tried to make an activity of bath time in the evening, playing with toys and water but he did not get into it. He would let me wash him but would not play in the bath…

Monday morning, I tried again to put him down but got the same tantrum. So I decided to go the park nearby and find an area where there was no one… and I put him down. He pulled a tantrum but I let him and left him down while talking to him. I finally managed to distract him and he calmed down. Then I started to walk and he followed me. Ouff, he was walking again! A bit further, I tried to sit on a bench and he started to scream but again, I let him. Two foreigners were watching me so I decided to go and explain to them what was going on – that I was not hurting or ignoring him but that we were trying to get over his tantrums. And they understood. Sometimes, I was able to distract him with a leaf which I would crunch into small pieces and he would stop crying. Other times, kids would come by to see us and he would also stop crying. Exhausted by this exercise, we returned to our hotel room but at least now he was walking! We played in the room together and slowly he would laugh more and more. That night he did not sleep well and kept scratching himself, waking up and crying. I didn’t know what to do – did he have an allergy? I then remembered putting a blanket on his bed and checked to find out that it was wool. I took it off as well as the sheet and he fell asleep. Ouff, what a difficult day!

Tuesday morning, it was the day for me to return him to the orphanage. We took a taxi to the bus stop and even if he seemed a bit nervous, he didn’t cry. At least, not until we got off. When I tried to put him down to walk a little, but he pulled a tantrum and everyone was watching us. I tried to calm him down ignoring people and determined not to give into him and pick him up but there was nothing to do. I took him in my arms and walked a bit before putting him down again. Again, a tantrum. Just then a man stopped on his motorbike, looked at us strangely and started to dial on his mobile phone. “Here we go” I thought, “he is calling the police!”. So I picked up Rémi again and made it to the bus stop and the bus came by right away. It was full and someone gave me a seat but Rémi started to scream again and this, for a whole 30 minutes. There was nothing I could do to calm him (while sitting) and everyone was staring so I got up to get off the bus but once standing, he stopped crying. Had I known, I would have gotten up sooner!

I was completely in shock by the time I arrived at the orphanage. I handed them Rémi and was glad to “be rid of him” yet I felt so horrible as I walked away and got on the bus. I was overwhelmed by emotions and felt so helpless at not knowing how to deal with him tantrums. That night I cried having been pushed to my limits, wondering if adopting was really the right thing for me to do. Later on, I went on the Internet and tried to find some information on how to deal with tantrums and I found some interesting tips. Keep calm, use distraction and don’t give into him. But I had done that with limited success, right?

Our time together had really brought home the reality of being a father :

A 2 year old child requires a whole lot of attention, even when all goes well. Next time, I will need to find a babysitter to give me a few breaks here and there;

Tantrums are unfortunately normal and a way for a kid to communicate – I need to learn to « manage » them better;

Our world does not easily take in children especially in a tourist area;

A city environment and a hotel is not an ideal place to have a child. We need a park and other kids for him to play with.

So now I go away from this experience and need to reflect on all that happened and re-evaluate my decision to adopt. I need to make sure that I am willing to proceed and will use the next month to think this through. Regardless, Rémi is now in my thoughts and in my heart…