Adoption in Vietnam - the match of the child

December 28 2005

I am exhausted after having spent so many months gathering all the documents for the adoption, trying so hard to figure out the process as I went along. Many trials and errors but finally, on December 13th, I submitted a full dossier to the Department of International Adoption of Vietnam:

  • Letter of intention (optional);
  • Letter of non-intervention from the Secretary of International Adoption of Quebec;
  • Letter from the Canadian Embassy regarding immigration and citizenship process for the child;
  • Medical report;
  • Psychosocial report;
  • Criminal record of Quebec;
  • Letter of employment from my NGO CECI;
  • Residency certificate and apartment lease stamped by the police bureau;
  • Completed adoption application form;
  • Photos, passport copy.

Each document had to be translated, photocopied and notarized by a government agency in Hanoi. I was still missing the criminal record of Vietnam but I was promised that it would be delivered to me at the end of December (after having paid a bribe). Having submitted a full dossier was such an important step that made me « eligible » to adopt, so I could now proceed forward. I was anxious to go ahead and identify a child, putting a face to this process that up to now had been very bureaucratic. I asked Mr. Long for help in this, and he recommended that I go to an orphanage in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) where he assured me that they had boys 2-3 years of age available for adoption. He knew the director well and called him to ask that he assist me. The simple reference would prove to be very helpful. On December 15, I got on a plane for Saigon hoping to meet my future son….

Vietnamese boy Later I learned that this orphanage called Tam Binh has a good reputation of keeping its children in good health and having « controlled » corruption. I was directed to a certain Mrs.Yen who spoke perfect French when she did decide to speak to me. She was curt and distant and never said more than what was necessary. Nothing to put one at ease. I was taken to meet a young 2 year old boy, Hoai Nam, but he was screaming and I didn’t find him « attractive » at all, which I would not have admitted to. I was expecting a choice of children, but it was not the case. When I refused this boy, Mrs. Yen agreed to present a second one to me (this is where having Mr.Long’s referal helped otherwise I learned later that she probably would not have presented me a second child). This boy, An Thanh, was in a section of the orphanage where children all seemed a bit ill, and he did not look so good himself. They put him in my arms and I took him to the parent/children room where he screamed for more than an hour. With other adopting parents looking, I was holding this boy who wouldn’t stop crying and I didn’t really know what to do. Eventually he calmed down but remained non-responsive. Later the director came to see me and asked if I accepted the match…. and I said “yes”. Was I doing the right thing? Was he really « the one »? It was hard to tell with such a difficult first meeting. I guess in my fantasies I expected open arms and positive responses from him. But other parents in the room assured me that this was normal.

Time at the orphanageThere was a couple there who was adopting their second child, their first one was now about 5 years old and his name was Rémi. With my choice of names in mind - Mathieu, Maxime, Simon et Henri – I then realized that my son would be called Rémi. I was happy to be with him and be able to give him a name although during the few hours that we spent together he remained quiet. I had enjoyed meeting other adopting parents since up to now, I had gone through the whole process alone. It felt good to share with others and I was envious of the ones who were almost done and about to take their child home with them. I was disappointed that a bond had not been created with Rémi, some kind of reaction that confirmed a link between us but I still felt that he was the right one. I decided to leave at lunch time since the morning had been quite emotionally demanding for both of us. I think of my life today and what I want most in the world is to be a dad and offer him my heart and my house. That evening, 24h after my arrival in Saigon, I was flying back to Hanoi. And I had to take an important decision: would I go to Thailand for Xmas since I had already bought my plane ticket, or would I come back to spend the holidays in Saigon with my son. The choice was obvious – I was now a dad and this started now, not later. I took my plane ticket and threw it in the garbage (since no refund was possible), and I bought a new ticket for Saigon.

Back in Hanoi, I met with Mr. Long to inform him of my choice. He wrote an important letter that he then gave to me, asking the Saigon office of International Adoption to begin the adoption process for this child. I sent it by registered mail, but it never reached destination. One week later, I was back at the orphanage over the Xmas holidays with 2 very specific goals in mind: 1- to make sure that Rémi was healthy physically and mentally by taking him to the hospital for tests and 2- to make sure that the adoption process began with the orphanage preparing the child’s documents at once. I spent Monday with Rémi, and he cried a bit at first but then he calmed down. However, he still remained despondent, removed and he didn’t play or interact at all. So I held him in my arms for hours. I was worried that he might have some kind of psychological problems. But he liked to walk so we went outside often and walked around the small compound, hand in hand like buddies.

Acceptance of the matchTuesday, I was able to get a special permission and take him to the doctor. All went well but it was quite an ordeal for him. We had to take blood and do X-rays, but we were not able to get him to pass urine. Even the nurse who spoke in Vietnamese could not get him to pee in the pot. I had planned to go to the zoo and have a big day out but I felt that this had been enough for our first day out. The orphanage was easier for him and for me, a small and safe world. Once we had returned, I asked his caretaker to take his urine but she was unable to do it. Finally I gave him a lot of juice and I took him to the toilet. I managed to get his pants down without him crying too much, held the little pot under his tiny penis and waited a few minutes until he actually did pee. I was thrilled that we had succeeded where others more experienced than me had failed, and this felt good. This was our little miracle. The next day, I got the blood tests back and everything was good: no HIV and no hepatitis which is so common with these orphanage kids.

I went to the Saigon office of international adoption, and there they told me that they hadn’t received the important letter I had sent by registered mail. “No problem”, I told them since I have with me an original copy, signed and stamped. But they wouldn’t take it! I then went to the post office with the receipt to trace the letter, but they said that they couldn’t do it from Saigon and that I had to begin the process from Hanoi!!!! So I went back to the Saigon office, thinking I would stand there until someone took the letter. And it worked! They led me to the desk of a man who handles the dossiers, and he took Mr. Long’s letter. OK, now the ball was in their court, and they now have to follow-up by contacting the orphanage to ask for Rémi’s dossier. Finally, the adoption process had truly begun and would take another 3 months. This will be tight for my planned departure from Vietnam at the end of March…

I loved Saigon. The streets are wide and colourful with neon signs, and the food is great. Finally some taste and flavours in the food of this country, compared to the North! Here I can really find the Vietnamese dishes that we have in a Quebec Viet restaurant and that we all love so much: noodles, spiced meats, spring rolls and excellent sandwiches with pork and coriander (which I bought regularly in Montreal near my house at a Vietnamese restaurant). It is much hotter than in the north where at this time of year, December, people are wearing coats, tuques, mitts and scarves even when the weather doesn’t go below 10 C. In Saigon, it is always hot but I would not want to come here in summer if it is hotter than now, which is the case. I found a nice guest house with clean rooms at 5 US$ per night, including cable TV (movie channels only Thursday-Sunday for some weird reason). Each day, I did not have breakfast but simply bought a sandwich which I brought with me and have for lunch at the orphanage. During the evening, I treated myself often to this yummy Thai restaurant, Indian food or I admit, Kentucky Fried Chicken. I have been so deprived of eating chicken in the North because of the bird flu but also because the one we can get is tough and not tasty. So I have been eating chicken every day, and loving it…

Positive interactionI have been going to the orphanage everyday. This morning when I arrived, Rémi cried in my arms for a long time. Our daily meetings must be quite a shock to him so I held him in my arms and after some time he calmed down. Then slowly, he started to open up and began to play with his spoon and cup trying to hit one on the other and make sounds. From that moment I felt so relieved and I knew that all was going to be ok. I could now feel the connection between our two worlds and I wanted nothing more than to interact with him. He started to move around the room and even asked for the door when he wanted to go out to walk, which he likes. He even let me know when his diaper was wet and papa had to figure out how to put on diapers. There were some in the parent/children room where we spent our time, so I tried different sizes, found the right one, then put it upside down, figured it out and got it on alright. Once I changed his diaper and tickled him, and he gave me his first big smile. What a relief. Another time he had done a poo and papa had no idea what to do, got kleenex involved and realized I was not prepared and needed a plastic bag to put all this. And also the room smelled of poo for 2 hours after, so for the sake of other people there I made a mental note to go to the bathroom to change it next time, even though this is not convenient since there are no changing tables and the floors are wet.

I went to the Saigon office at the end of the day to ask how things were progressing but the man I had seen last time who speaks no English, Mr.Vu, said that my dossier was blocked since Canada has not finalized the adoption agreement with Vietnam and that by Law, I must adopt from a family and not from an orphanage. I was lucky to get a stranger standing nearby to translate for me but I was devastated. Mr.Vu said it would take “time” for him to study my dossier so he could make sure not to break the Law. I heard in this a hint of corruption and perhaps a request for bribe, so the next day I gave him a card with some money, and realized that I will need to ask Mr.Long to call him and intervene.

I loved my week at the orphanage. I met with other adoptive parents, all from France since it is the only country that has concluded its adoption agreement with Vietnam, and it was nice to share our experience. And since Mrs Yen was not forthcoming with information, I was able to learn more about the coming process. And it was neat to see the other kids. Some were infants, one girl of 3 was screaming so much, another quiet and nice. And mine, the one that observed a lot and the quiet type. Let’s hope for the best. I have made it this far and will do everything in my power to succeed with this adoption. It now has a face and a name – Rémi – and already he has a place in my heart…